Last Monday I Had a Miscarriage. This Monday I'm Sharing It With You.Aug 22, 2016
I took a pregnancy test three weeks ago. I was beyond ecstatic when I saw this!
My husband was nervous, but I was ready! My body began to change immediately; boobs got bigger right away. After the first few weeks of my pregnancy passed, I felt a new kind of appreciation and love for my body. We started picking out names and deep inside I knew that I was already falling in love with my unborn child.
I told my family and friends as soon as I got the positive pregnancy test. Everyone had warned me not to share because “something could happen,” but I am a very open person. I could not contain this secret. I even decided to tell my staff (we’re pretty close-knit). And obviously I needed to make sure that they knew I was pregnant and that I hadn’t gotten a boob job!!
I am originally from Minnesota, but have been in Santa Barbara, CA for 16 years. On Sunday, Aug 14th, my 13 yr old nephew Blake came out to visit. In the span of 24 hours we went trail running, paddle boarding, did a Jenny Schatzle Program class, and ate tacos. With Aunt Jenny it is always GO GO GO!
The next day, Monday Aug 15th, I had my first doctor’s appointment with my obstetrician and gynaecologist. Although the timing wasn’t perfect with my nephew visiting, he was excited for me and wanted to come along. When I walked into the doctor’s office, I went on to tell her about my good health, how great I felt, and my excellent family health history. After explaining that my mother and sister have never had a history of morning sickness or miscarriages, my doctor was excited to take a look. With my husband eagerly looking in from the corner, and my nephew in the waiting room, I braced for the cold ultrasound gel. I looked over at the screen and saw the little nugget in the womb. But then I heard a big sigh from my doctor as she said, “I’m so sorry, there is no heartbeat. I’m going to give you both a couple minutes, I’m so sorry.”
I started crying, I felt so disappointed, as if I had failed. Did I do something wrong? Are children just not meant to happen for me? Did I wait too long, am I too old? It made no sense to me. When I was 20, I was a crazy child who drank too much, had zero responsibilities, and was scraping to pay the bills - my body could have had a child no problem at that point. Now I am 36 and finally have my life together! I’ve waited to get myself happy and healthy, in a great relationship, financially OK, and now it’s going to be difficult to have kids, WTF?
As you can imagine, this was absolutely terrible timing. Not only was I dealing with a miscarriage, but now I have to walk out and a tell my nephew we lost the baby. A 13-year-old boy is never equipped for that kind of news, especially one who is on vacation visiting his high-energy-positive-about-everything-fun-aunt.
The doctor scheduled a D&C for the next day, Aug 16th.
Now, I don’t want to ruin my tough girl reputation… but I HATE needles! I hate hospitals, surgery centers, and the very thought of being put under. I was so scared, but then I met my nurse, Lori.
If you know me, then you know I immediately started asking Lori her story. Before I knew it I felt like we were best friends! Lori is almost 50, has 5 children, has had 8 miscarriages, and in January found out she had cancer. Two weeks ago she found out she was finally cancer free, BUT was quick to explain her type of cancer usually returns.
I could not believe the things this woman has been through! I asked her, “How do you do it?! How do you have such a positive attitude knowing this could come back?!” She looked me in the eye and said, “You have two choices when things go down in your life, you can either crawl into a hole, or you fight! I have young kids, a husband that I adore, and a career I love. Cancer is NOT taking me down! I got this.” I LOVE THIS WOMAN! At that moment all my fear, anxiety, and insecurity about having a miscarriage changed. I went into surgery with so much energy. I was beyond inspired.
Now here is the reason for this blog: Lori is a woman fighting for her LIFE while the rest of us (yes, myself included) so often sit around and complain about what we think we need to be happy. I’ll be happy when I lose weight, when I make more money, when we can finally buy that house. Some people get up everyday and all they do is walk around complaining about themselves. I’m fat, I’m tired, I’m stressed, I’m broke. Are we all just waiting for the phone call that we have a terminal disease? Will that finally make us appreciate what we have? Why are we so scared to go after what we really want? Why do we find it easier to sit back and complain than it is to follow our dreams? One word: FEAR.
FEAR keeps us from going after what we want in life. We are so paralyzed by what other people think that we don’t fight for what we really want until it’s too late. It’s the reason we talk ourselves out of asking for a raise – what if they say NO? Fear is the reason why we won’t join a new fitness program – what if I can’t keep up, what if people think I’m slow, I’m too out of shape? It’s the reason we stay in bad relationships – I could never make it on my own. It’s too hard to start over. No matter who you are or where you are in your life, people will tell you how you should live. They will tell you how to raise your kids, what you should do for a career, and yet they are not the ones who live YOUR life. When life is lived trying to please every person, the one person who ends up miserable is you.
There is only one person we NEED in life to make us happy, and that person is you. You are the only thing you need. We must value who we are and what we have to give this world. A nice car, a nice body, and having perfect kids are not what make you successful. Define what success is to YOU, and go after it. Don’t determine your own success by other people’s standards.
People told me, “You shouldn’t tell people you’re pregnant too soon, just in case something happens”. Well, something did happen! I had a miscarriage. I’m not ashamed of it. Something wasn’t right.
We all have two choices in how we can handle things when they don't go as planned:
- Crawl in a hole and give up or
- You fight!
Here is my blog asking you to fight. I’m asking you not to wait until something tragic happens for you to want to make a change. DO IT NOW. If you want better for yourself, believe in yourself. Stop living by other people’s standards. Stop giving into fear and start standing up for YOU. Nothing in your life will get better until you decide you deserve better for the most important person in your life, YOU.
It’s not selfish to put yourself first. The longest relationship you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself. Stop being ashamed and insecure about who you are. You deserve more. If you needed permission, here it is: go after what makes you happy, no matter what you’ve been through in this life.
I love all of you. Thank you Lori for sharing your strong story and inspiring this blog. I am moving forward, fighting for what I want in my life, and I honestly cannot wait to share my next positive pregnancy test with all of you!
ALIVE and LIVING,
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